The Ugly Truth Series #4 - Burnout is a bitch
The fourth in a series of illustrated truths gathered over 15 years
- an entirely honest and personal project.
Burnout (noun). A state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.
I really only have myself to blame.
Since taking the plunge to follow my dream lifestyle over the past 12 months, I’ve yet to start living it. Instead, with barely any time off, I wonder why I’m always tired, and seem unable to switch to a slower pace. But I’m determined to try. And what better way to break the cycle of work and exhaustion than with a long overdue week off, right?
As the saying goes, the best laid plans… and all that. My week off arrived some time in April (who knows what day of the week, or month, it is any more?), and with it – guilt, anxiety, exhaustion and excitement in equal measure. What awaited me, and what lessons would I learn? Here goes….
Friyay! a.k.a Holiday begins here!!!
I’m awake. The moment my eyes open, I instantly feel like I could turn over and sleep for another full day or two. Eek. First things first, I assess how I’m feeling. Every time I have a holiday or break, I get sick - nailed on. It’s been like this for years, like clockwork. I did it on honeymoon in Mauritius, I’ve done it on city breaks and staycations in the UK. It’s nothing to do with travelling, and almost certainly psycho-schematic. A result of stepping off the proverbial treadmill.
I grit my teeth. I will not be ill. I will not be ill. A whole week off! I cannot waste such precious time. So I hop out of bed for a relaxing morning – quickly followed by a hasty trip to the vet with Moo, whose allergies have forced her to gnaw her paw, making a real mess of it. FFS.
Returning home, I’m determined to sit, relax and read a book while Az goes out on a quick 10k. Cut to 5 minutes later, I’m checking emails on my phone, then grabbing my laptop to fire out some responses and some approved work for a client. If I do it now, the hubby won’t know I was working - especially after woofing all week about needing time off. Az comes home to find me still on my laptop. Bollocks.
He doesn’t say a word, but I know he’s not surprised. I close it and feel immediately guilty – I needed to send my print though and then I just got carried away. That’s it. I’m done now. Holiday time.
We mooch down to our neighbours and have a few (socially distanced) glasses of fizz sat out in the garden. It all feels rather normal, the way life was before – except we have nothing fun to tell them. All I’ve done is work, and we have no grand plans for our week off. I still feel weighed down by this morning’s fatigue, hanging over me like a blanket. Maybe I am run down.
Saturday – Full of good intentions
The weekend dawns, bright and early. The plan, a socially-distanced walk with Az’s mum and dad on their side of the hill, followed by an equally distanced lunch in their garden (with Moo partaking in her beast bag).
Is this unusual feeling...being relaxed? Honestly, it’s like The Animals of Farthing Wood at their house. Deer, pheasants, a little stream – who wouldn’t feel zen? With the sun shining, I could close my eyes and be on a mini break anywhere in the country.
The sad fact is this is how you should feel at weekends – they should feel like time off. It’s only novel to me because I’ve worked every weekend since November. Days spent on big, amazing bookings, with other clients taking up the evenings and weekends. Chalk it all up to the cause, in the name of new business!
Ahem. With stress levels sufficiently lowered, we swing by the local farm shop on the way home. Talking really tires you out, doesn’t it? Was it always like this? I’m cream crackered already. I spend an idle hour doodling some ideas for a client without realising, cook a yummy meal and curl up in a chair. It’s only 7 o clock, and I could happily go to bed. Can’t be a party pooper though. Holidays innit?
Sunday – Simply cannot switch off
Sunday. Lazy Sunday, or so I thought. Az goes on a big run while Moo and I mooch about the house. Typically, this is when I’d fire up the laptop and crack on. This time, I resist. The sun is calling me outside and I go for it, taking a cup of tea and a new book my pal has lent me.
Sometime later, I realise what my unconscious habit is – checking my phone. It’s a circular routine; check for new emails, then to Instagram to check DMs. That usually triggers anxiety that I ‘should’ post something. Bounce to WhatsApp for messages (my phone is usually on silent and I have barely any notifications switched on, but it doesn’t really help).
After 20 mins in this distracted reading/scrolling state, I must have unconsciously picked up my phone at least six times before the inevitable happens – an email arrives for a job I’m keen to do. Instantly, my mind is whirring. After all, I could get a jump on this now. My fingers fly over the keyboard, saying I’ll get back to them Monday.
Wait, no. I’m meant to be on holiday. I re-word, explaining – almost apologetically, I am taking a week off - but still keen to speak with them the following week. I can’t bring myself to hit send. Is it a bad move? Will I lose the work I could have taken on straight away? Gathering my nerves, I hit send.
Another zombie-like IG distracted look later, a DM pops up again – another enquiry. Bloody typical. It’s all go the minute I’m off isn’t it? A nice illustration piece. Maybe I could squeeze this one in? Sitting in the garden relaxing isn’t really working...
Placating myself. I busily note down some ideas on my phone. Coming back to reality, my cup of tea is now stone cold and I’m only 6 pages into this new book. “Come on Katy” I silently child myself. “Fucking concentrate!” I consciously place my time-thief under a cushion. The old ‘out of sight, out of mind trick’. Good lass.
Smash cut to 20 minutes later, and I’m researching ideas for both jobs on Instagram. My phone’s been out from under the cushion at least twice, and I’ve become so distracted from the book, I’ve actually begun to feel guilty about things I should be doing on our break. My wardrobes need some major Marie Kondo action. I really ought to change over our offices. Get them out of the way now? I begin to wonder if other people have as many internal dialogues and arguments.
Az comes home and we have lunch in the sun. As the rest of the day gets cloudier and cooler, I feel a secret sense of relief for an excuse to start some of the tasks. (Bloody depressing when you think about it.) Moo’s on house arrest until her paws heal, so no breaks for walkies. Instead, we round off with a delicious Easter dinner. Exhausted by 7pm again and asleep by 9pm on the sofa in the middle of a film. Are you starting to see a pattern?
Monday (Bank Holiday) – A quick look won’t hurt…
The whole world’s out and about today, so we stay home for short, grassy walks with Moo and do some house stuff. Az goes out for a run and guess what? I instantly sneak up to the office to do some artwork for a client. As the guilt sets in, my mind starts to churn over the things I want/need to start doing – as much as I fight it. Blog post to write. Website to sort. Personal projects I’m dying to get off the ground. It will all still be here next week, I remind myself. Just a few, quick notes... NO. Notes down. Planner down. Stop it.
An hour and 45 mins later, I’ve done some bits around the house and created another to do list. The feeling of ‘I’ve loads to do’ is growing, and sitting around ‘relaxing’ seems like it’s getting in the way.
Az returns and it’s chilly. I fall asleep on the sofa while watching a film (Hello deja vu). Why can I not stay the fuck awake? Groggily, I add to an illustration I started earlier in the week. It sure would be nice to get it done soon and off my list – probably to be immediately replaced by something else. After hopping in the bath and trawling Insta (that phone again) I wonder if we could/should have done more with our Bank Holiday Monday. But at least we’re off tomorrow – and all week! Whoop whoop!
Tuesday – Oops, I did it again…
Reminder to self: we’re lucky to be doing whatever we want today – the world is our oyster! For starters, yoga together (how very Posh and Becks) and I feel chilled for the first time.
Of course, it doesn’t last long before being overridden by a wave of angst at everything we could/should be doing. It’s already Tuesday and I wanted to get the bikes out, tidy the garage, do some life admin, run... the list goes on. Yet I’m equally so tired that I have little inertia for any of those things – the eternal paralysis.
All these mental gymnastics help me realise this is more than a week’s work to most. And as Az asks me regularly – what’s the rush? I worry about wasting our time off though, I worry about it a lot. Az is so much more laid back than me about this stuff. Sometimes it drives me mad, because I know he’s right. It’s not really that pressing.
The cold is energy-sapping today, and by the early afternoon we’re both really tired. Blow out the cobwebs with a couple of short walks for Moo while litter picking – what is wrong with people these days? I reheat with a bath in the middle of the afternoon followed by a nap at 3pm. How decadent!
Then I make the ultimate mistake. Checking my email. Captured by the lure of ‘just one’, I hide upstairs and finish off work that really could have waited, then it’s time for dinner. Where did the day go? I go to bed plagued by FOMO. We’ve lost a day - we should have been scaling a mountain, or solving world hunger. Sleep finally stops the nagging thoughts.
Wednesday – Shit to do
I’m going out!!!
When the alarm goes, I’m already busy getting dressed up* (*something other than my running kit or jeans & a t-shirt.) Opt for a fun jumper with leather trousers and even wave my hair! I wear so little make-up these days (the life of a remote designer) that a full face of it today makes me feel like auditioning for RuPaul’s DragCon.
Why all the hubbub? I’m meeting my good pal and fellow designer Fliss (AKA @honestfolk) for coffee and a walk in Hebden Bridge. I’m already fretting about setting off in good time and parking, god knows why. Such a trivial thing to be concerned about – I’ve driven to London in the past and figured out parking when I got there. Being locked down makes even the simplest of tasks feel like hard work these days.
Being in Fliss’ rich company is a joy. We spend a glorious couple of hours yapping and I leave feeling more connected and less alone in the world. From common work issues and plans to bouncing ideas around, we’ve covered it all. Really feel like I want to crack on with my list now!
On the plus side, I’ve only checked my email twice today and even left a couple to respond to my return. With out of office holding down the fort, I’m sure I’ll get a text or a call if it’s super urgent.
Instead, I exchange a few delayed voice notes with the hilarious @liz_mccracken_design. We ping messages back and forth most days – right down to what we’re having for lunch and when we’re going to get a cuppa. Even though we haven’t actually met in person yet, she’s become a solid virtual work buddy, but the delay shows how quickly I’ve gotten out of sync without the 9-5 this week. I tell her my feelings of guilt and she reassures me that I deserve this time out.
Returning home, I’m happy yet instantly shattered. Could nap, but decide to walk Moo instead. By 8pm I can resist no more and I’m ready for bed.
Thursday – The penny starts to drop, finally
I could get used to this. Woke up full of beans around 7am, no alarm required, then indulgently read in bed while devouring tea and toast (crumbs, yes, I know. Don’t judge, ok?).
At this point, I’m super aware of the number of times I reach to pick up my phone and begin browsing for apps that can curb it. I consider putting a note on my home screen, but love Doogal’s peeping face too much. Need to implement @lucysheridan’s advice – no touching the phone until up, showered, and ready to start the day.
Today, me and Az head out for a 6 mile walk with Moo and Boo (Mum and dads’ pup). The topics flow while we wander, talking about how much we love being outdoors and walking with the quiet and calm. Conversely, we cover what it’s going to be like for Az to return to an actual work building next week, and how flexibility feels the way forward (practise what you preach, right?)
Quick breather on a bench by the duck pond while I tend to some delivery drama on my phone – can’t let clients down! All chatted out, we round off with coffee in the garden at home, where I finally pick up my book again. This time I manage a full hour’s reading before the sun goes in and I return to clearing some of the dead wood in my wardrobe. A nice bath? Why not. Paired with the book and a glass of wine? Bliss. Work is further from my mind today. I haven’t even looked at my diary. There’s hope for me yet.
Friday – Zen central
Up early again, yoga this time – followed by a leisurely stroll and then reading in the garden for a bit. Triumph, the wardrobes are finally conquered! To celebrate, I bundle up all the ASOS returns taunting me from the corner (don’t ask) ready for the postie.
Pop the news on and hear the sad news about Prince Phillip before heading out for a mucky lunch from a mysterious restaurant with golden arches and a walk of greasy shame. I’m feeling light and relatively carefree (delicious carbs aside)..
It only strikes me later on, while I’m sat aimlessly doodling...I feel completely calm. It’s such a rare feeling these days that it’s both pleasant and a touch unnerving at the same time. I’ve barely looked at my phone today, and even then it was chatting to Liz (which itself reminded me I hadn’t checked emails). Now I’m finally calm, I’m sad it’s the end of the week. Having gone nowhere, I wish I’d taken two weeks off instead. On the plus side, it’s all remote now anyway. At least I’m not hauling my arse down the M62 and sitting in traffic for hours every day. And there are still two days of the weekend to enjoy yet.
Saturday – Walk the worries away
The hike we’ve been yapping about all week is finally happening, with a bag of snacks too. Starting in the wind and snow (typical Yorkshire), we do a 13km yomp over the moors and hills where we live. The best part? I only take my phone out to snap some shots as the sun comes out...glorious. With this view, we could be on a holiday in the lakes. I do love where we live for that. I literally feel a million miles away from home, work pressures and my infernal laptop. No emails, no Instagram, no guilt. It can all wait.
Sunday – Shit, it’s Monday tomorrow.
Another early morning, another lovely walk. Inevitably, the subject turns to work. I comfort Az with the fact that although it’s ‘back to work’ tomorrow, he’s still WFH. Certainly not having to get up at 6am like in the PLD (Pre-Lockdown) days. Plus, we’ll make sure we go for a nice walk at lunch with Moo for a bit of fresh air.
My preparations involve plotting the week ahead in my diary, only after promising myself I’ll ease back into the week. 3 days of agency bookings and some other private clients work to complete – not bursting at the seams. This has to be the start of a new phase. One where I don’t intend to stay on the work ‘treadmill’ at max speed. One where I structure my working life better to suit my physical health, mental health and my creativity.
The Ugly Truth
Did you notice? It took until Thursday for me to actually feel the benefit of my time off. Thursday! That’s 6 days. 6 fucking days to actually unwind. 6 days to stop the endless feeling of ‘I could be, I should be’. To stop habitually checking my email and slow down a bit. To enjoy just being. That’s shocking. Yet I fear so many of us are like this.
When reflecting on how damaging this work hangover can be, it soon became clear that there are some triggering fears throughout the creative industry. And, in turn, a few golden rules that can help us all live and feel better.
STOP living to imaginary standards
I have a staunch work-ethic - always have. So why do I constantly feel like I’m slacking, failing, or not doing enough? That a client might see me out for a mid-afternoon run and think “why isn’t she working?” or “she clearly doesn’t value her business.”
Pro tip: Nobody cares. The work gets done. The work is good. Living up to imaginary standards is exhausting. Stop it.
STOP feeling the need to apologise
The reason it takes so long to switch off is because switching off is unfamiliar. As creatives, we’re always on, always thinking, always planning. At the end of any given weekend, we’re either angry for not making time to relax, or frustrated at everything you didn’t get done because you were relaxing. It’s not healthy.
When it comes to purposefully trying to slow down and pursue a lifestyle I want, it shouldn’t need an apology. Who am I apologising to? It’s up to me to be accountable and be responsible for the balance I feel I need. The irony is, if we’re happy and fulfilled – it’s our clients who benefit the most. No more self sabotage.
STOP before you burnout, not after
If I continued on the path I was on over winter, it was only headed one way – burnout.
For months I powered on. No balance, no time off, just an incredible weight hanging over me to give it all to be better, winning, successful. And the end result? My back became so tight and twisted after so many hours in front of a screen that my chiropractor had to invent new moves to pop it back into place. I gained weight because I didn’t give myself time to go out for a walk or a run, all while consuming sugar to keep me awake and comforted. I woke up each morning and blindly ignored my body’s need to stretch, to get fresh air, to sleep, to slow down. And it’s gotten me to a state where my skin is dry, my eyes hurt, and the constant veil of fatigue hangs over me.
I don’t want to live like that any more. Does that mean I’ve failed? Does it fuck.
Let’s revisit that definition of burnout from the beginning:
A state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.
I look back over my career and think how many times I’ve been at this point. How many of us live like this day to day - accepting it? I did. And it’s not OK. That’s not winning, not success, not living our best life - that’s hurting yourself.
I choose to go freelance to avoid it – yet I've become my own worst enemy. Old habits die hard, I guess. It’s up to me to push for a better balance. It’s my choice, and my battle to win. And win I will, the right way.
STOP seeing overworking as an achievement
Many continue to consider burnout a by-product of success and badge of achievement – an almost unavoidable side-effect. An ingrained mindset of the damaging “hustle” concept: always busy, always feeling there’s more to achieve, always in a rush, always reaching for more. Some of it, post agency programming methinks. The old 50+ a week lifestyle is why I wanted to run my own business. But it’s making us ill. Ageing an entire generation prematurely because us 80s kids were brought up to work hard, move up, buy stuff, work more for the stuff.
After so many months locked down, I wonder how many more have seen through that damaging mindset and want to pursue that better life instead? The generations below us seem to have a better handle on it – but how many are trapped in unfair work dynamics instead? How many will feel mis-aligned after months of lockdown and home working – trying to catch back up to an unhealthy pace we were all at?
START looking after yourself
I admit it. My last 6 months have been self-inflicted, driven by a need for success. As for who I’m proving it to – I still don’t know. That’s for the imposter in me (and a whole other post I suspect), but I was still the same at my full-time job. It’s a mindset I have to work on. I’m hoping by writing this it will help me hold myself accountable, and hopefully help anyone reading it who feels the same.
When I hopped off this work treadmill in the middle of the pandemic, I probably intended to get back to that same speed in the future. But it took a full week of holiday to remind myself why time off is just as, if not more important than work itself. Yes, the guilt is still lingering. But it’s something I’m aiming to phase out with time.
My plan going forward is not to pack my diary to capacity and beyond. To work fewer days, rebalance myself and remember that there's a life out there. And guess what? I can even choose to go for a walk or run in it in the middle of the day.
Forget Be Kind, Rewind. It’s all about Be Kind, Unwind.
Last but not least, I'm really interested to hear from others who have felt like this, and how you worked through it (I know - probably a poor choice of words) For those of us still battling the need to work all hours, I’ve also attached a few links to some pieces on burnout and its symptoms that might be useful to those worried about themselves or others. Look after yourself, everyone!
REF:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm
https://www.thisiscalmer.com/blog/5-stages-of-burnout
https://www.verywellmind.com/stress-and-burnout-symptoms-and-causes-3144516
https://www.healthline.com/health/tips-for-identifying-and-preventing-burnout