‘Failing’ year three (or is it?)
It’s one of thoooose posts… So if you’re not in the mood - off ya f**k
I like to be transparent as a person can be across their content - how I write is how I talk, (shocking and not the queens English I know) how I dress is how I play out and I try to show the ups and downs of my little brand, biz and life.
As the whole ‘back to school’, ‘new year, new me’ kicks in this week, I’ll be the first to say it’s causing me angst.
This last year hasn’t gone to plan. At all. And as I start year four of Hello Katy I’ve spent the last couple of months hugely dissatisfied and disappointed with myself and my years progress.
Year one was all about power on - money making, head down Scrooge McDuck shit….
Year two - similar - plus a move into a studio. Bigger clients, bigger jobs. There were BIG plans the momentum was high.
Then year three started and as burnout started to kick in, post covid life and a cancer diagnosis for my mama, it totally flipped a switch in my approach to my personal life. I’d already started with a PT as years 1 & 2 though lucrative, were killing my health and well-being. I had to prioritise that above the work. Cos if you’re not well - yo’ not doing your best work, are ya?
This shift has jarred with me massively ALL FUCKING YEAR. The constant guilt of prioritising exercise and living over being chained to my laptop has made me feel at best, a skiver, at worse an utter failure. It’s slowed my work plans down somewhat but also made me realise how much I try to thrash out of myself.
They say you’re only competing against yourself - I am. In everything. And I’m bloody exhausted from it.
The reality of being a service based business means it’s time I sell (and skills obvs) but managing my time to suit taking care of myself, living and the years mantra of ‘fuck it and book it’ has caused a cognitive dissonance that’s left me feeling exhausted.
Work hard, work harder, faster, smarter, better - but live more, take time out. Stop to smell the roses or why work so hard? Make more money, market more, pitch more, post more - but don’t let it take over your life. Exercise more, run faster, quicker - every-time or you’re not progressing. See everyone, make plans, enjoy life - but you must remember to rest and sleep more too.
See where I’m going with this? Is it any wonder my brain is on fire at 3am most days?
Year three was all about the big plans. I’d worked it out, mapped it with my coach. A possible rebrand. A move into product, more boldism, more collaborations and beanz.
And none of these have happened.
I’ve spent ages thinking about all these as failures and not even bothered to tot up the stuff I have actually achieved…
I’ve hit the same financial goals and beyond somehow while working less?
I’ve mentored and given talks to universities
I’ve been a facilitator for a creative community movement
I’ve landed bigger clients
I’ve had more +10k months than before (and no - you’re not likely to see a post about this - I’m not that kind of person)
I’ve done all the above but it still doesn’t feel enough and I move into year 4 with a sense of failure and under achievement which has frankly, brought me to tears plenty of times and forced me to question myself - am I really doing the right thing here? Do I feel ready for my 3rd year biz bday?
No. I just feel f**king exhausted to be honest.
Running your own gig can be lonely, I’ve said it many a time. Add to the mix the constant comparison and noise from marketing and social media and you have a perfect storm for self-doubt and scrutiny. What a shit tasting cocktail that is…
I’ll quit my moaning. The reality is I’m so fucking lucky. I somehow have managed to carve a life I only dreamt of years ago. As I began to write this blog post it was in the farm shop where I’d stopped for a coffee on my morning run, after a shit week and knowing I could run home and get on with work for as long as I needed to.
There’s no commute, no boss. But it does take your own drive and energy to keep it going and when that gets tested - it’s really f**king hard. It’s no wonder they say 60% of small businesses fail in the first three years.
I finished the second half sat by the lake near the ‘ranch’, having an iced coffee, again post run, knowing i can head back and put in a 12 hour day with some yoga or a workout in-between.
Is it burnout? Dunno.
I don’t think so. It’s just evolution isn’t it? And if I plan to be working for me until I’m finally discovered as a formula one driver or win the lottery (must play that) then technically I’ve all the time in the world to manifest my plans haven’t I?
Maybe year three was meant to be a discovery year. Im clearer on what I love doing and what I don’t. I can see patterns in what people seek me out for and need to build on it. I know what gets me giddy and I know what bores the life outta me.
I also know that I don’t want to grow my biz into a bigger agency - even though everyone assumes it. I’ve done the management and it’s why I chose this life.
Freedom is one of my values. - it’s defiantly one of the harder ones to maintain. But everything worthwhile takes effort, right?
Here’s to year four and that World domination plan I’ve been thinking about for 12 months.